#185 DB Breweries – Heineken

No one had a camera so no pic!

Name: Heineken
Brewery: DB Breweries (New Zealand)
Style: Pale Lager
ABV: 5%
Source: York Street Studios

Well I had to have one sooner or later, didn’t I?

I actually would have put off drinking Heineken a bit longer, except that I was at an event thingee for work and they only had this or Corona. I half-planned to have something else when I got home for the blog, but then I thought screw it – there’s no reason not to write about Heineken. Also I’d already drunk too much.

Before I bag it too hard, I’ve got to admit that I have drunk many Heinekens  in the past. And maybe once or twice… I even enjoyed them. At home at Mum’s house we used to drink them with lunch in the summer (although these days she’s switched to Epic), and even now I don’t say no when it’s free at functions.

Realistically though, Heineken is a really boring, often overpriced pale lager, with a bit of a wanky personality.

Had I poured it into a glass the colour would have been clear, pale straw with a short-lasting white head, but because everybody drinks Heineken from the bottle, that’s what I did.

The aroma was best described as being of beer – but if I had to break it down I’d say the faintest trace of hops, wet cardboard, and grain.

In the mouth it was quite fizzy, with some light malt taste, a little grass, grain, and raw sugar. It was one-dimensional, with a light watery mouthfeel, and very little bitterness at the finish.

But you already knew that, didn’t you?

#167 DB – DB Export Dry

Name: DB Export Dry
Brewery: DB Breweries (Asia Pacific Breweries – Heineken)
Style: Lager
ABV: 4%
Source: The Fridge

Do not adjust your sets. This is really happening – I’m reviewing a DB Export Dry.

And why not? Despite my best efforts to turn everyone I know into craft beer lovers (a gratifyingly easy task if you’re prepared to buy a few rounds), there will always be times when people just want to get drunk for under $20. (And as someone who has in the past bought casks of white wine and then ‘jazzed it up’ with Vitafresh, who am I to judge?)

Take my boyfriend Finn for example. He gets the dregs (lucky boy!) of my fancy beer most nights, and has developed a taste for really hoppy IPAs and stouts. Despite that, every weekend without fail he’ll buy a box of DB Export Dry, Lion Ice or whatever other pale lager is on special, and drink the lot. (Some would say he is actually a lot more sensible with his money than me. Those people would be right.)

So it’s useful to know I suppose, if any of these inherently crappy beers is less crappy than the others. With that in mind I’m going to make a concerted effort to steal one of each of these beers for the blog, and give them an honest and (hopefully) unbiased review.

I poured this into a big wine glass – like I do all the others – and tried to trick myself into thinking this was the world’s finest Kolsch. I don’t even really know what Kolsch is so that part was easy.

Perhaps the psychology worked, but it smelled slightly better than I was expecting. Don’t get me wrong – there was nothing interesting about it – but it did actually have a caramelly malt aroma as well as the usual grain and metal. (Some light lagers seem to just have the latter.)

In the mouth it was sugary and pretty one dimensional, but there was something there – a sweet, banana lolly flavour that I get in most Belgian beers. (I’m going to get shot for saying that, aren’t I? Don’t read too much into it.) The finish was boring – no real hop bitterness, and dryish.

Don’t get me wrong, this beer was bland, watery and joyless – but it wasn’t offensive, and it seemed to have more flavour than many of the other light lagers I’ve had recently (I’m looking at you Sol). If Finn insists on choosing this for his weekly 24-pack, fine. It’s got to be better than Lion Ice.

Or is it? Stick around because I’ll be reviewing that soon too!

N.B. – Rumours that I’m starting to drink crappy beer because I spent all my money on tiny skeleton dolls and fireworks in Mexico are false, I repeat FALSE, and anyone caught saying otherwise will get a Mexican Voodoo spell put on them and/or fireworks through their window.